VamoShortz ! 📌📌

VamoShortz: pointed, pithy takes, sweet and sour…

Snake In Déclassé.

(1/14/23)—Yet more animal high-jinx at a TSA checkpoint. In this case, agents recently discovered a 4-foot boa constrictor in a ticketed woman’s carry-on bag—wrapped and curled up like deli sausage. Needless to say, the snake was not within acceptable agency guidelines, and its itinerary from Tampa International Airport onward was similarly undeclared, as was hers.

The creepy incident followed on the paws of secreted ‘Smalls the Cat’ at JFK, and a pet pooch packed tightly in another bag at Dade County Regional Airport in Madison, Wisconsin. TSA screeners’ checkpoint imagery captured them all. So at least this time, there’d be no boa on board. But animals that they (and we) may be, who knows what zoo actually gets through to row 22?

Really, Vamigrés, should we stoop to carrying on like this?

Snooze Alarm.

(8/20/22)—The latest wake-up call on air safety comes via Ethiopian Airlines flight ET343, wherein the 737-800’s two pilots were found to have fallen asleep at the yoke August 15, seriously overflying a designated runway descent.

The foremost African airline’s plane, en route from Khartoum (Sudan) to Addis Ababa, was cruising at some 37k feet on autopilot when air traffic control could not make contact with the flight crew, triggering alarms as ET343 flew past the Bole International Airport runway. Though safely landing 25 minutes after communication was renewed, the pilots copped to their sky naps and were immediately relieved of active duty.

Once again, the issue of pilot fatigue, if not utter exhaustion enters the cockpit picture. Ethiopian Air calls the incident “deeply concerning…(that) safety has always been and will continue to be our top priority.” While aviation analysts say don’t sleep on pilot fatigue posing “…one of the most significant threats to air safety worldwide.”

So travelers to airlines: Vamigré holds that when it comes to understaffing and overstretching your flight crews, give it a rest already…

Cockpit Cockfight? —Nevertheless, taking such drowsy blows may be preferable to the two Air France pilots who actually came to blows—throwing hands at cruising altitude in a Geneva-Paris trip last June…landing safely despite their inflight fisticuffs. Both punchy pilots were subsequently down for the count, wings clipped during the course of Air France’s ‘safety audit’. The pugilistic pair were then backed into their respective corners, cut men ready to towel and dress them down lest they go another inflight round. Sacré blew!

Spice of Life-and-Death.

5/26/22—On the contrails of a harrowing SpiceJet flight, during which its aircraft hit severe turbulence rattling 200 passengers and crew into come-to-Vishnu terror, the Indian low-cost airline was hit with a computer ransomeware attack.

First, the two-hour, non-stop flight from Mumbai to Durgapur cruised into a brutal storm system Sunday night that sent the packed Boeing 737 trampolining up and down. Passengers gripped for their very lives, the unbelted among them being tossed and thrust up to bloody slams into overhead baggage bins—food and beverages flying every whichaway for more than 15 long minutes. Frantic passengers struggled to grasp oxygen masks and seat handles with cries, screams, prayers to Trimurti and Tridevi alike until finally, thankfully landing safely in Durgapur.

Some two days later came the “attempted ransomeware attack” that disrupted Wednesday morning’s flight departure schedule system-wide. The carrier’s IT department claimed it quickly contained and cleaned up the hack smack, but stranded passengers social meted out withering accounts of waiting up to four hours in terminals and on tarmacs with little guidance/direction from SpiceJet staffers.

In all, the week has been a little too Spicy for us travelers’ tastes—so pass the antacids and Dramamine, s’il vous plaît…

Clipped Wingmen.

5/5/22—Turnaround was fair game as a Virgin Atlantic flight bound to New York’s JFK airport suddenly reversed course, returning to London’s Heathrow when it was discovered that the flight’s first officer had not taken the carrier’s final flying test. A “rostering error” came to light as Flight VS3 was nearly 40 minutes out toward the US. Seems the otherwise qualified FO lacked a “final assessment” training flight, as per Virgin’s internal protocols, if not standard UK regulations. So a new pilot was subsequently paired with VS3’s highly experienced captain—a 17-year VA veteran—no procedural Virgin he. Still, this ‘rostering’ snafu roasted the flight’s passengers to the tune of a 2 hour, 40 minute arrival delay at JFK, for which the airline blushingly apologized, while maintaining that the initial cockpit crewing did not run afoul of basic aviation or safety regulations. Hmm—gotta start training eyes on that Virgin (red) tape.

Rather fouler, however, was the bloke who pushed through an emergency exit door and walked out onto the wing of a United Airlines jetliner at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport. Problem was, the aircraft, flight 2478 from San Diego, was still in motion. Once the taxiing aircraft arrived at its gate, this stunted maniac slid down the wing onto ORD’s tarmac, where he was warmly, nay heatedly welcomed by a United ground crew, then detained by Chicago’s finest. All other passengers deplaned without incident—jumping at the chance to tell their side of the latest disruptive, ‘unruly’ story.

Tying One On.

(4/20/22)—Seems former world boxing champ Mike Tyson was just out to the Bay Area for a toke or two at San Francisco’s 4/20 cannabis celebration in Golden Gate Park. But he wasn’t so chill and mellow on his homey return flight to Florida from SFO, hitting a fellow passenger with entirely different strokes before the JetBlue plane even left the gate.

What started out as some friendly recognition and a selfie turned hostile when the loaded dude one seat behind Tyson kept badgering one of the most famous (and infamous) heavyweight fighters in history—who kept warning him in vain to back off. Reportedly after a water bottle was tossed toward him, Iron Mike suddenly answered the bell, climbing up over his seatback, then ringing the young drunk’s clapper with a ferocious flurry of right jabs worthy of Holyfield and Spinks for the crown.

Enough said and done, Tyson proceeded to storm off the plane, while the bloodied passenger received treatment for his facial cuts and bruises as if he’d just gone 12 rounds. Apparently in his ‘altered state’ the wise-ass victim had forgotten he was needling the ‘Baddest Man on the Planet’, holder of a 50-6 ring record with 44 knockouts—not to mention a three-year prison bout for felony rape.

Looks like Tyson refreshed the troll’s memory right quick—or at least knocked some sense into his rapidly swelling melon—smoking him like a fat 4/20 number on Hippie Hill. In any case, police and legal action are likely to follow, as shall we… (MTC…)

Air Rape Siren.

(2/2/22)—Seems the sexual transgression occurred on United Airlines Flight 14 on January 31, over the pond between Newark and London. A 40-year-old woman accused the man, also 40, both Brits, of classlessly assaulting her in business class seating (if not the lav) as she and other passengers slept. The two had apparently met in a Newark airport lounge, but he got a bit too handsy on the overnight flight.

The woman immediately cried rape to United’s crew, who alerted ground authorities. The accused groper was arrested upon landing at Heathrow Airport, local police detaining him for DNA samples, fingerprints and mug shots—and forensically searching the plane—before releasing him while the case remains under investigation. As for the distressed woman, she received “support by specialist officers.”

United spokesfolks said the airline was cooperating with law enforcement authorities, but had no other comment on the rape allegation. Still, the siren had sounded, loud and clear: No way the dude’s mile-high fantasies were first-class flying with this bird—most assuredly not in real Mean time. (MTC…)

Shoot…The Chutes!

(6/25/21)—Foiled at the locked cockpit door, this latest flying marauder decided to depart the aircraft via its emergency exit. Problem was, the United Express/SkyWest flight, leaving LAX for Salt Lake City, was still taxing toward the runway at the time. Nevertheless the freaked out moron, who’d been demanding entry to the plane’s flight deck, popped the forward emergency door, then slid down the Embraer 175 regional jet’s evacuation chute into a welcome wagon of airport authorities. Apparently, it was just how the airhead rolled…

FAA officials said this Los Angeles incident was but one of about 3,000 onboard disruptions reported in the US this year thus far—nearly 400 of which involved “interfering with the duties of a crew member.” In any case, those authorities  have launched a formal inquiry into the whole moving affair.

(Im)Pound Sand.

(6/5/21)—Which is what local authorities have been doing more of lately, in the face of increased thievery by traveler/tourists, mainly Euros, of the treasured white sands of Sardinia’s beaches—millions of years in the forming. Military and customs police have been more doggedly monitoring harbors, airports and websites for sand pebbles and shells filched from the famed Italian island, common mischief rendered illegal in 2017. Over 40 individuals have been caught with some 200 lbs. of such natural beach assets to date, being hit with fines of up to $3,700 each—the national Forestry Corps (state police) claim they have already collected well over $15,000 in penalties so far this year.

Why the stress and strain? Sardinians have long complained about such theft from their stunning Mediterranean beaches, visitors scooping up and secreting the fine-grain white sand in cans, bottles and who knows what else in their packs or luggage. Whether for souvenirs or (quite profitable) sale, the snaffling of pebbles and shells from beaches such as Chia is projected by island environmentalists to diminish and threaten the long-term survival of the very attractions travel/tourists visit Sardinia to enjoy—particularly given the rising waters of climate change.

It’s as if they’re saying, if you’re headed for Sardinia to ‘rob and plunder’ their glorious island beaches, go pound sand. Or else pay heavy fines by the greenback, Euro and…Pound.

Cockpit Visibility. (5/28/21):

Seems a former Southwest Airlines pilot exposed his genitals to his female copilot during Flight 6607 between Philadelphia and Orlando, Florida last August 10. So states a one-page filing in a Maryland federal district court dated Good Friday, April 2. Circumstances have since been released in the case (complete with his flash ‘plug-in’ and laptop porn), though no other witnesses were cited (stew, anyone?). In any event, the 60-year-old cockpits flyboy has been charged with indecent exposure. A Southwest spokesperson, now cooperating with investigators, noted that the accused pilot had left SWA before the airline was aware of the incident. (Be sure to keep an eye out; more to come as details are disclothed…)

UAL 777 Drops Cowl. (2/20/21): 

Raining shells and smithereens from the sky: Soon after takeoff from Denver International Airport at about 1 p.m. MST Saturday, United Airlines Flight 328’s Hawaii-bound passengers looked out in horror as the long-haul Boeing 777’s right engine exploded in flames, sending its cowling, pylon pieces and other metal debris down over a residential neighborhoods in northwest suburban Broomfield, Colorado.

The aging twin-engine airliner ‘mayday’ circled and returned safely to DIA within 20 minutes. No deaths or injuries have been reported thus far. Nevertheless, its 231 passengers and crew of ten couldn’t have appreciated the lei of that landing. Nor could the Broomfielders below, who dodged uncontained aircraft shrapnel in their yards and playground, let alone shell fragments crashing through a kitchen roof. 

Boeing has since recommended grounding all 128 of its dual-aisle 777s powered by the P&W 4000-112 family of engines for inspection of suspect fan blades. The FAA had already ordered an Emergency Airworthiness Directive for stepped up inspection of older 777s with those Pratt & Whitney engines, focusing on metal fatigue and breakaway hollow blades.

UAL has grounded 24 of its P&W 777s, while Japan’s Civil Aviation Bureau has overseen the grounding of 32 P&W 4000 777s operated by JAL and All Nippon Airways. Korean air carriers have cumulatively done so with some 29 of their own.

Upon further FAA inspection, damage was also found to Flight 328’s adjacent wing and fuselage. Just more bad news for the ailing, Chicago-based planemaker, not to mention Pratt & Whitney.  Then again, at least this recent drama over metropolitan Denver didn’t play out to the very MAX. (MTC on this…) 

Can Boeing Boing Back?

Mardi Flaw. (2/24/20):

Amid New Orleans’ storied Mardi Gras rituals and revelry, come the latest gnawing misfortunes. During the weekend’s fabled, raucous Endymion parade, two partygoers were felled by tandem floats pulled by a lone tractor. One Crescent City native tripped over a trailer hitch and was crushed as she attempted to cross the street between the two floats; a 58-year-old man was run over by another pair on Saturday evening. The parade was cancelled both nights, and the fatal accidents were still being investigated by local authorities.

For its part, the all-female Mystic Krewe of Nyx social club apologized for its role in the mishaps, pledging to no longer pull three-part floats, and otherwise redesign their safety features. The Krewe of Baccchus also vowed to change the its polyadic ways. New Orleans itself has since banned tandem floats altogether during Carnival season parades, stipulating one tractor per wagon and promising better crowd control.

Such accidents have flawed Mardi Gras celebrations in the past, however, mainly involving bubbly celebrants falling off the parading floats. So for the glorious hereafter, French Quarter trafficking in chicory coffee and beignets may prove to be the Big Easier way…

Speed Thrills. (2/11/20):

Little did last Sunday’s Flight 112 passengers realize that their usual marathon of a Trans-Atlantic flight would accelerate into a record-breaking sprint.

For not long after taking off from JFK Airport, their British Air 747-436 hitched onto the jet stream—an atmospheric flow turbocharged to 260 m.p.h. by Storm Ciara. Hopping aboard the tailwind express, the massive New York to London-bound Boeing 747 hit an airspeed of 825 m.p.h., crossing ‘the pond’ in but 4 hours, 56 minutes.

The flight set a subsonic aircraft record, beating the previous mark of 5 hours, 13 minutes set by Norwegian Air in 2018. Establishing a new speed benchmark for Trans-Atlantic air travel, Flight 112 landed at Heathrow Airport 80 minutes ahead of schedule, its passengers’ only gripe: a wee bit of turbulence over the sea.

Seems a robust jet stream can add 150 m.p.h. to an plane’s speed, because the air itself is moving so much forcefully. En route, the BA jetliner was at times traveling faster than the speed of sound (which is measured with respect to the ground)—although not breaking the sonic barrier, since it was boosted by the briskly moving air.

Incidentally, the standing record for a Trans-Atlantic crossing was set by the BA Concorde in 1996: a supersonic mark of 2 hours, 52 minutes and 59 seconds, top speed 1,350 m.p.h.

Nevertheless, British Air officials cheered 112’s “phenomenal speed”, while hastening to stress that the carrier “always prioritize(s) safety over speed records.” Still, there was no denying the supercharged Storm Ciara express run was one heady kick in the arse.

Getting a Grip.

Amsterdam’s busy Schiphol airport was recently stalled in place as Dutch military police investigated a “suspicious situation.” The reported threat was determined to be a GRIP-3 incident, serious with major consequences for a local populous.

Word buzzed around the airport’s D-Pier that a possible hijacking attempt was underway, that emergency services were being activated and numerous flights were being held on the tarmac. But in little more than an hour, police announced that the disruption was product of a false alarm.

This ‘false negative’ was inadvertently triggered by an Air Europa pilot on a flight bound for Madrid. He was said to have generated a special transponder beacon code, which sends an unlawful interference alert in case of a hijacking.

Dutch police affirmed that all passengers and staffers had been safely removed from the aircraft, that Schiphol’s calm and tarmac activity were being restored. Better safe than Shanghaied—but thankfully these particular Amsterdam red lights had gone dark without any unsought bodily thrall.

Snooping On the Poop Deck?

Wherein a flight attendant aboard a Southwest Air flight bound from Pittsburgh to Phoenix on February 27, 2017 enters the cockpit, required to ‘second person’ relieve a pilot on potty break. Only Renee Steinaker asserts in her subsequent lawsuit that she came upon a iPad screen live-streaming video from the plane’s forward bathroom. Its chagrined co-pilot apparently panicked at being caught, so to speak, with his pants down—spouting that it was strictly a “new, top-secret security measure installed in all of Southwest’s 737-800 planes.”

Whatever…she cell-snapped the iPad and soon reported it to Southwest Air management. But a supervisor ordered Steinaker not to tell anyone about the lavatory’s concealed camera, saying that “…if this got out, if it went public, no one, I mean no one, would ever fly our airline again.”

Although known in the industry for its flight crews’ jokes and irreverent hi-jinx, Dallas-based Southwest executives and the two pilots have since denied that they place cameras in their onboard loos, or that ‘Toitygate’ ever happened. Accordingly, the carrier would vigorously contest the Steinaker lawsuit, so as to clear the air.

Nevertheless, Steinaker and her husband (also an SWA flight attendant) claim in their suit that they have been subjected to “discrimination, harassment and retaliation” since she filed her report on the cockpit incident. Their attorney, Ronald LM Goldman has moved the suit to Federal court in Phoenix, arguing that crew members would be distracted by the alleged live-streaming, thereby jeopardizing flight safety, while hidden cameras violate the privacy of anyone hitting the head. Goldman further posited that “the cockpit of a commercial airliner is not a playground for peeping toms.”

Just as our next flight is no place for creepy johns…so Vamigré will sit tight until the truth of this matter is finally flushed out…

No Flying’ Over Spilt Coffee.

A commercial flight from Germany to Mexico was recently diverted to Ireland, after a pilot’s lidless coffee cup spilled across his control panel over the North Atlantic. The panel immediately began smoking and actually melting, to where the cockpit crew had to don oxygen masks and radio in for an emergency landing. No doubt the air traffic controllers advised the pilot to put a lid on it, for criminy—which airline management has since required on all its flights.

Smoke Gets In Your Leis.

Seven passengers were injured Thursday, August 22, when the cabin of Hawaiian Airlines flight 47—bound from Oakland, CA to the Sandwich Islands—filled with debilitating smoke. The Airbus A321 emergency landed some 20 minutes later at Honolulu’s Daniel K. Inouye International Airport around 11:36 a.m., its 184 passengers sliding to safety on evacuation chutes in a matter of seconds.

Those with smoke inhalation symptoms were rushed by first responders to nearby hospitals. They and other passengers told of choking and breathing through wet clothes supplied by flight attendants as the cabin turned grey with a hot, smoky smaze.

The carrier soon explained that a seal failure allowed hot oil to spill onto the plane’s still-functioning left engine components and air conditioning pressurization system, causing the smoke buildup in the cargo hold and cabin.

The crew of seven donned smoke filters, but did not drop the aircraft’s passenger oxygen masks for fear of igniting an onboard fire. And since halon fire retardant was sprayed into the cargo hold, baggage retrieval itself was literally put on temporary hold.

So coughing, bumped and bruised passengers were bused from the stricken plane to the airport’s terminal, assured by the airline that their flight to paradise would be comped, and each would receive a voucher for a future HA flight.

Meantime, their leis would be likely be chillin’ in wait as the smoke cleared, in appreciation of the travelers’ orderly and cooperative evacuation amid a potentially far more combustible ordeal. (MTC…)

Mac and Freeze: FAA Rules Certain MacBook Pros a No-Go.

With Apple having announced a voluntary recall and replacement program last June, it is curious that has taken over a month and a half to ban some of them from carry-on luggage or cargo holds.

The short of it is that a series of mid-2015 15-inch MBP’s, sold between September ’15 and February 2017 ( over 430,000 in the U.S. alone), have batteries subject to overheating and quite possibly catching fire.

Following the lead of EU’s Aviation Safety Agency, the FAA has just decreed that such Apple laptops having not yet received battery replacements won’t be allowed (much less operated) on U.S. flights. So until all these faulty batteries have been replaced, it looks like the MacBook freeze is on.

Strike One For The Birds.

A Ural Airlines flight recently took off from Moscow’s Zhukovsky International Airport bound for Simferopol, Crimea, but soon crash landed in a nearby cornfield. What seems to have brought the Airbus 321 down were birds sucked into the plane’s twin jet engines like so many dust balls into a Hoover Handivac. Engines powered off, landing gear up, the aircraft cooly belly flopped into the open maize field near Rumens—true pilot hero stuff. Fortunately no fatalities, but injuries to dozens of the 226 passengers were reported. Others caught the flock fillet and thudding touch down on cell phone video, before safely evacuating the plane via emergency chutes.

Not so much with the seagulls. For those foul aimless fowl struck airborne terror once again—not unlike with Pinnacle Airlines flight 3701’s fatal Minnesota downing in 2004 ( overall, aviation statistics cite four strikes per 10,000 flights). Late summer is ‘peak season’ for such bird strikes, and feeder trash/garbage dumps in the vicinity of airports do not help. Nor do fowl distracting sirens and scarecrows—swallows to swans and Canadian Geese. As for protective engine intake grills, they’ve proven to hamper air flow and aerodynamics, unacceptably cutting an aircraft’s speed and thrust.

<<<Drone and Groan.

Double Dutch.

KLM (Royal) Dutch Airlines has found itself in the uncomfortable position of defending its stance that onboard breastfeeding is A-OK only if it doesn’t impact the comfort level of other passengers.

In other words, cover up, mama—no matter how normal and natural, or pleasing to your infant’s pressurized ears during takeoff and landing. Reaction has been fast and furious to the carrier’s ‘mother shaming’, not to mention the blanket media coverage.

Compounding that femalestrom was KLMIndia’s recent update rating of comparative seat safety (rear cabin seats are the safest; most fatal are the middle seats, front rows close behind).

The FAA challenged such stats, first reported by Time Magazine, stating the numbers are not “scientifically defensible. The problem: too many variables, too few accidents by U.S. carriers since 2009.

KLM has since taken a back seat to the agency and social media storm in an apologetic Twitter walkback—most likely towards the rear of the cabin…

Jet2, Brute?

Two Royal Air Force Typhoon fighter jets recently scrambled to escort a British airliner back to North London’s Stansted Airport.

And somebody’s going to pay, dearly.

Budget carrier Jet2 accuses one of its passengers of behavior so disruptive the flight crew had no choice but to return to the airport of origin.

“Aggressive, abusive, dangerous”: the airline’s CEO claimed that the obstruction and havoc were as serious as any Jet2 has ever experienced. This unruly conduct was said to include efforts to open the plane’s cabin doors in mid-flight over the North Sea. The crew and nearby seatmates finally subdued the young female passenger.

Once back on Stansted’s tarmac, the plane’s crew members welcomed police officers aboard to arrest the ‘perp’ on suspicion of assault, criminal damage—let alone endangering the entire aircraft.

Jet2 has since billed one Chloe Haines, 25, $106,000 for the cost of diverting the plane, and banned her from the airline for life. Whether she actually coughs it up is another issue entirely.

Now, although the carrier’s move may be unusual, instances of inflight passenger disruption have been on the increase—nearly 50,000 reported incidents between 2007 and 2015 alone.

So let’s zip up and chill with a decent sip and screen, shall we—at least until the wheels touch down. Otherwise this brutal Jet2 behavioral billing business may become S.O.P., if not yet another fee…